Today is the 3rd anniversary of mom’s death. Hard to believe it has gone by so quickly. When I am not thinking logically, I find myself saying “where is mom?” Especially when I’m feeling like I need approval which is weird because approval was not something mom gave me often. Everyone in the world, yes. But not me. She wanted so much more from me and often made that known.
So, why? Because she was mom. I am a very independent person. I do not live my life to please people. I LIKE people to be pleased but I don’t live my life to please people and that was always an issue with mom. She often thought of other’s who did and wanted to know why I didn’t? She would think of all her friends’ daughters or women at church who had good paying professional careers, and say “why can’t you be like so and so?”
It absolutely unnerved me and often caused us to not speak to each other. When I graduated from college with some credentials in the natural health field, and when I became an author, I couldn’t wait to tell her. But the natural health field is not medical. I was not a nurse like my brother Michael, and I was not making money as an author. Anyone can be an author, right?
But, at the end of the day, it was because she thought I was SO smart, that she felt my choices in life didn’t match how smart I was. I could have been something. And she only wanted the best for me.
What I miss is not so much approval, but I sometimes miss that impetus in her voice that pushed me to be better, even though I didn’t choose relationships or careers she thought I was capable of being in. Only she was able to trigger that drive for better but while she was alive, I could not see that. I saw it as I was her biggest disappointment.
I just miss HER.
That trigger which drove me to push for better was more a need to please mom. But even in that, I ultimately could not.
I learned a most valuable lesson. Perspective is often after the fact. I WANTED to please mom. Though I am independent, I really wanted to please her.
It was because of our friction (my need to please her and never could – her need for me to fill a role I also never could) that she ultimately found peace through Christ. And I miss her, but I know where she is and I know I will see her again.